Wrestling Within

I've spent a lot of time pondering what my first blog should be about. What do I want to accomplish through maintaining a blog that is open to anyone? While I could go on and on about the details of my personal day-to-day life, I think it would be more beneficial for me to track God's role in continually molding and shaping me to be more and more like His Son, Jesus Christ. Through documenting the changes that He makes within me, I can look back and stand in awe of His power. This is in no way to glorify me or show how awesome I am, but it is to glorify God and show how He can use a sinner like me.

One thing I've really been having a hard time dealing with is what direction God is calling me in. It's not that I doubt the direction He has given me, it's the details of that direction that I don't know that have me tossing and turning. A huge part of me is fine with not knowing and just trusting that He will tell me as I go along. "And your ears shall hear a word behind you saying, 'This is the way, walk in it,' when you turn to the right or turn to the left." (Isaiah 30:21, ESV) What makes not knowing so difficult for me is having to give people an "I'm not sure" answer when they ask what I'm going to school for. I then feel obligated to explain where I am at in this process, making it sound like I am either just completely indecisive or am taking this faith thing a little too far.

Here's where I stand right now: I know God is calling me into ministry (although my belief is that all who have been saved by faith through grace are called into ministry, but not all go to school for it). I don't know what that entails beyond that. I'm not even sure that my degree will have much to do with my career, but I am confident that I will learn and grow so much more in this four years than I ever would have without the aid of school. God has given me a passion for writing and for working with women. Leading a small group of women has been the most exciting experience for me. God has shown me how to lead with a loving heart and through His strength. God, six years ago, gave me an overwhelming love for the teens I was working with, and pressed firmly upon my heart that this was how He wanted to use me. I ran away shortly after that point due to my own fears and doubts of my abilities. I am now helping out with the senior high students at Eastview to see if that passion is still there.

I have no doubts that God will show me the next steps in His timing, and in the mean time, He is stretching me in my faith and in my patience.