Sanctification

No, this isn't a blog about what sanctification is (although my understanding of this has changed dramatically since parting ways with the denomination I grew up in). Sanctification has been the focus of my prayers over the past week. I want to be made more and more like Jesus. God has placed two things in my life that I have been incorporating into my quiet time this week: a song and a passage of scripture.

The song is called "Pleasing to You" by Desperation Band. Here are the lyrics:

Sanctify me

Clean out my closet

Take away anything

That is not pleasing to you

Purify me

Destroy all my anger

Wash away everything

That is not pleasing to You

I will be white as snow

I will be pure as gold

Jesus my heart must know

I'm pleasing to You

I give my life, my all

Taking the cross I will follow

Jesus my heart must know

I'm pleasing to You

Sanctify me

You are the light to guide me

To the place where I am

Only pleasing to You

Oh come and purify me Lord

I need your light inside me

So the darkness flees

And I can be pleasing to You

Come make me white as snow

Lord make me pure as gold

Jesus my heart must know

I'm pleasing to You

I give my life, my all

Taking the cross I will follow

Jesus my heart must know

I'm pleasing to You

You can also listen to it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CUrI9TlExaY

The verse goes right along with it.

"Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it."

1 Thessalonians 5:23-24 (ESV)

Here's what it comes down to: I don't want to ever be in a place where I am "comfortable" in my relationship with Jesus. I want to continually be growing. I want to be so desperate for him that I need him more than air everyday. Even when things are going well.

Balance

I've been spending a lot of time just being busy lately. It seems like I'm always living in one extreme or the other, never really finding that balance between being busy and being lazy. Don't get me wrong, I have really enjoyed having something to do every night, but it recently took a toll on me. My body reacted pretty violently to my never-ending routine, forcing me to stay home Monday and just rest. I never call in. Ever. I even came into work when my cornea was split open and had little sight out of my eye. I never want to be an inconvenience to anyone, so calling in is typically out of the question.

This is where I believe much of my problem lies. I am a people-pleaser. Almost to the extreme. We have had some new ladies join our small group recently, and I have wanted to make sure that they feel welcome in our group. So I have made it my goal to take each of them out for coffee individually. I have also made a few other friends along the way who are not in our small group, and I have wanted to make time for them as well. This means I need to make sure that as much of my schedule is as "flexible" as possible. I use that term loosely because something always has to give when I am flexible. Recently, this has been my homework. I've been finding myself up at 3am Monday morning finishing my paper that is due Monday evening. I don't feel too bad about it because I do well on my papers and make great grades, but this is just added stress to my life that could be eliminated by demanding that one night a week be devoted to writing my paper.

Well, as you may have already guessed, being so busy has taken away some much needed time with Jesus. I found myself asking "What happened?" when I was home on Monday. It seems like this busy-ness has hit me out of nowhere, and I am now scrambling to figure out how to slow myself down. I love that I get two hours of quiet time at work everyday, but I know I have been slacking in the amount of time I've been spending praying, listening, and reading the Word because I've been trying to get all of my homework done in that time as well.

I was listening to a sermon on Monday by Perry Noble, and (surprise, surprise) he was talking about being too busy. I posted this on Facebook, but it has really stuck with me all week. "In the Bible God calls those who will not work lazy, but He calls those who will not rest disobedient." I need to make sure that I am taking a Sabbath every week. This is for my spiritual and mental well-being!

Now to do some homework... :)

Competitive Spirit

I've always been a big competitor, as long as it didn't put me in any danger. I get this from my mom. There is no such thing as a "friendly game" in the Barnes household. And quite frankly, if we are playing a game that has anything to do with smarts, words, or acting, I dominate. This would be why my mom refuses to play anything but cards with me. She hates to lose. I hate to lose more.

This competitiveness has made its way into my scholarly life. Too bad this didn't happen when I was in High School or during my first shot at college. I consider this new desire to get nothing less than an A (not even an A- will suffice) both a blessing and a curse. Yes, it is awesome to see my GPA continue to rise (I transferred in with 6 credits at a 3.86 GPA) and see my confidence in my academic abilities grow, but my grades are becoming my babies. I care so much about them that I will have nightmares about getting a B on a paper or missing a ton of points for failing to include one of the required elements in my paper.

This competitive behavior is, so far, just with myself. I know I can get an A and feel I have failed myself and God if I get less than that A. I don't let anyone else see my grades (minus the one I posted recently on Facebook) because I don't want to open that door that leads to competition with others! I know I need to change this behavior. My struggle lies in the fact that I know God desires for me to do my best, and I know that my best is an A. I need to learn how to control this desire.

Have any of you had a problem with obsessing over grades? Were you able to overcome that obsession? Any advise for me??? :)

Sleepless Nights

I have always been a good sleeper. I usually have from one to three seconds before I fall asleep once my head hits the pillow, and I sleep the whole night through. On the rare occasion that this doesn't happen, I typically get frustrated, toss and turn, and try to relax every single muscle in my body starting with my toes.

There have been a number of occasions where I have had demonic attacks in the middle of the night. I used to just pray (silently) for God's protection and would curl up under my blanket just waiting for the terrifying feeling I had to go away. I hadn't had an attack in a few months, but the other night... it happened. It is almost always the same thing. I'm half asleep, but I am paralyzed. I can't make any noises, despite how hard I try to force air to pass through my vocal chords. Thinking I might be able to get a wisper out, I try saying the name of Jesus over and over. This usually only lasts a few minutes before I am fully awake and able to move. This time wasn't scary. I commanded the demons to leave in the name of Jesus, prayed (audibly), and proceeded to read my Bible out loud. Everything was fine.

I've come to realize (through experience and studies) that this usually happens when I am following God closely and am doing something that disrupts the "spiritual realm." This night was the beginning of something new. Up until that night, I had been spending quite a bit of time with God. For the first time, I was learning what it meant to have an intimate relationship with Him. He was (and is) the first thing I thought of in the morning and the last thing I thought of before I fell asleep. God has been slowly showing me that which I cling to and asking me to let Him have it. Apparently one of these things was sleep.

Since the night of that attack, my most intimate times with Jesus have been in the middle of the night. I've even started telling Him that He can feel free to wake me up at any time to spend time together, and He has! I would normally be super crabby all day and insist on going to bed early the next night, but that has faded away. I'm just amazed that God, the Creator of the Universe, wants to spend time with me! I can't believe what I've been missing out on all these years!

Wrestling Within

I've spent a lot of time pondering what my first blog should be about. What do I want to accomplish through maintaining a blog that is open to anyone? While I could go on and on about the details of my personal day-to-day life, I think it would be more beneficial for me to track God's role in continually molding and shaping me to be more and more like His Son, Jesus Christ. Through documenting the changes that He makes within me, I can look back and stand in awe of His power. This is in no way to glorify me or show how awesome I am, but it is to glorify God and show how He can use a sinner like me.

One thing I've really been having a hard time dealing with is what direction God is calling me in. It's not that I doubt the direction He has given me, it's the details of that direction that I don't know that have me tossing and turning. A huge part of me is fine with not knowing and just trusting that He will tell me as I go along. "And your ears shall hear a word behind you saying, 'This is the way, walk in it,' when you turn to the right or turn to the left." (Isaiah 30:21, ESV) What makes not knowing so difficult for me is having to give people an "I'm not sure" answer when they ask what I'm going to school for. I then feel obligated to explain where I am at in this process, making it sound like I am either just completely indecisive or am taking this faith thing a little too far.

Here's where I stand right now: I know God is calling me into ministry (although my belief is that all who have been saved by faith through grace are called into ministry, but not all go to school for it). I don't know what that entails beyond that. I'm not even sure that my degree will have much to do with my career, but I am confident that I will learn and grow so much more in this four years than I ever would have without the aid of school. God has given me a passion for writing and for working with women. Leading a small group of women has been the most exciting experience for me. God has shown me how to lead with a loving heart and through His strength. God, six years ago, gave me an overwhelming love for the teens I was working with, and pressed firmly upon my heart that this was how He wanted to use me. I ran away shortly after that point due to my own fears and doubts of my abilities. I am now helping out with the senior high students at Eastview to see if that passion is still there.

I have no doubts that God will show me the next steps in His timing, and in the mean time, He is stretching me in my faith and in my patience.